This is business! no faces, just lines and statistics:
from your phone, your zip code, to S-S-I digits
The system break man child and women into figures
Two columns for who is, and who ain’t niggaz
Numbers is hardly real and they never have feelings
but you push too hard, even numbers got limits
Why did one straw break the camel’s back? Here’s the secret:
the million other straws underneath it - it’s all mathematics

-Mos Def, Mathematics

The hardest part about my job isn’t getting told no, it’s having to tell people no. It has been about 3 months since I started working at a major bank in, get this, the sub-prime lending division. Not only do I have front row seat to the recession, America blames us for causing it.

I am not a farmer, but I have been told that if a horse gets into a feed bin, and is left unchecked, they will literally eat themselves to death. If a horse were to die in such a fashion, would you deem the farmer responsible for being careless, or the horse for being so glutinous?

In America, the consumers are the greedy horses and the careless farmers (were) the banks. Apparently, if left unchecked, many Americans will irresponsibly max out credit cards, refinance homes, buy jewelry, furniture, cars, and rims with little thought of their ability to repay. I know this because I see it first hand all the time. Americans, like horses, will literally consume themselves to death if given the opportunity.

I think it is unfair to place the blame of our current economy solely on the shoulders of the banks. I think we all played a part in this. Surely banks were reckless with their lending habits, in a sense they were irresponsible and left the door to the feed bin wide open. Still, can you imagine a society where people will borrow and spend as fast and as hard as the banks will allow? That’s literally what many people did.

Regardless of who or what was at fault, this whole mess is disheartening. It’s hard to see people with families who are drowning in bills, people who are filing bankruptcy, or foreclosing a home. It’s more difficult telling people no- we can’t help you; not anymore, there are rules now. Now that people need it the most, the feed bin is finally locked.

Poverty is an acid that drips on pride until all pride is worn away. Poverty is a chisel that chips on honor until honor is worn away. Some of you say that you would do something in my situation, and maybe you would, for the first week or the first month, but for year after year after year?

-Jo Goodwin Parker, What is Poverty?

This is another Halloween happening, this time from ’07. I think more crazy stuff happens around Holloween because out-of-towners (as we call them) aren’t familiar with proper IV etiquette. Don’t sit on curbs, don’t stumble, don’t carry a red cup outside, and never (ever!) fuck with a policeman’s horse.

During Halloween, all the major streets are sectioned off by walls of policemen mounted atop frightened horses. Making our way through the hordes of people, a friend and I watched as a ‘french maid’ approached one of the horses. With an outstretched arm she approached the uniformed line:

Girl: “Hi Horsie!”

COP: “Don’t touch the horse. Stay back.”

Girl: “Hooooorsieeee!”

COP: “Do not touch the horse!”

Girl: (goes ahead and rubs the horses nose)

Here’s where “shit got awkward” as Lee would say. The second the girl’s hand met with the horses forehead, the police officer swiftly dismounted, and in one fluid motion, vigorously tackled the girl onto the unforgiving concrete. I’ve never seen a female brutalized that blatantly by a man before. It felt like Vietnam in the 60’s.

On a bus ride to a wrestling tournament in southern California, myself and 17 other young men found ourselves driving by Compton, rumored to be an especially rough and infamous part of L.A. The neighborhood had gained notoriety in the early 90’s thanks to rappers such as Easy-e, Dr. Dre, and the Game. None of us had ever been there, but we were all mesmerized by the thought. I guess we all wanted to see if Compton’s reputation was as bad as it was cut out to be.

Someone suggested the idea to our coach, and the 17 jostling adolescents on board all became quiet—then it was on: “Compton! Compton! Compton!” a thunderous unified chant ensued. There was little our coach could do to appease us except oblige. We took the 190^th street exit towards Compton, and what happened next would silence every anxious youth on that bus.

No sooner had we exited than 4 fully grown, large, shirtless black men charged at our moving bus, shouting “Get the fuck out the car!” and hurling what appeared to be dislodged chunks of asphalt. As the pieces of asphalt clanked against side of the bus as we sped off, we all just sat there kind of dazed, like holy shit, it’s exactly like we thought it would be.

It was gold-toofed gangsta shit at its finest.

(And it’s not for Everyone)

this time I made up my mind
this time I’m back on my grind
I know there’s things in my life
that I’ma let go startin tonight

My girlfriend and I broke up recently, and as with any major life event, it has caused some deep personal reflection. I think it is unfortunate that I only have these personal epiphanies when sad things happen, but there you have it.

The first thing I’d like to do is apologize to anyone I’ve offended in the past 22. I’ve had a sharp, opinionated, and often downright caustic approach to others. I have said insensitive things without thinking, and then rebuffed any objections with a “don’t be so fucking sensitive” mind-set. For this, I am truly sorry.

I’ve also been narcissistic and selfish in my relations with others. I’ve done some things that I am not proud of- things that I am even now embarrassed to write about. I’m going to chalk this up to immaturity. I felt like because I had certain characteristics I was somehow above certain social graces. I apologize for this as well.

Aside from some of my past interactions there is just a lot of filth in my life I want to get rid of. The heavy drinking, occasional cigarettes, junk food- even the porn- it’s got to go. I know it sounds like a corny cliché, but I want to be a good person. It’s in my belief system that good people don’t drink heavily or indulge in casual sex, street fights, recreational drugs, or any of the aforementioned.

I also want to take a second and thank the people who have been a positive influence in my life:

Mom, always been there for me. An all around great woman. Dad, even though you made some mistakes and weren’t around much, I feel like if I ever needed you I could depend on you. We’re all human- I don’t hold any personal grudges.

Marty Mathews, thank you for teaching me how to be tough- physically and mentally- and that with sheer willpower you can do pretty much anything.

Sean O’rielly- for getting me into sales. I think I might just do this for the rest of my life, and it all started with your charisma.

Keren Robertson- For not only believing in me, but acting on that belief. (And saving me from ½ a quarters worth of college credit). I might not be writing today if wasn’t for you.

Jun Loayza and John Greathouse- for igniting my sense of entrepreneurship.

Robin Brozosky- for always being a positive influence in my life, even when I wasn’t in hers.

Of Course all my friends- you know who you are.

From here I want to take some action- I am going to start each day with a sincere compliment to someone I am thankful for. I will call my family more often. I will drive more carefully. I will eat better. I will drink more water. I will go out of my way once a week to do something nice for a stranger. Starting tonight.

This happened during Halloween in 2008. Most nights in Isla Vista the streets are pretty packed- weekends are akin to walking in downtown New York City. But Halloween makes normal weekends look like a Montana highway at night: The streets are so packed that it is difficult to walk without physically pushing through people, not to mention the masses of crowd watchers sidelined atop roofs and balconies.

Anyways, I was walking down a side street called Trigo when I noticed a swarm of police (at least 3 cruisers and a motorcycle) surrounding something. I expected to come up and find a body bag, or at least some people handcuffed. What I saw was far from expected: a pasty young man, face down in the middle of the street, hog-tied and fully nude.

Several things struck me as funny about the whole scene, aside from the nudity. First of all, the police had made a little “display” out of the naked man. They circled their vehicles around him in a crescent-moon formation, and had their cruiser’s spotlights unmercifully pointed directly on his bare ass. As I walked passed the scene, an officer approached me and stated in a matter of fact way, “Nothing to see here…”- I wanted to ask him if he knew about the naked guy behind him, but decided sarcasm was best left to law enforcement.

I also found it strange that the police had decided to hog-tie this individual. Usually, I feel like people just get their arms handcuffed behind them. This young man’s hands were bound, as were his ankles, and both sets of limbs were bound by a third set of handcuffs. I got the sense that the police were trying to make an example out of this guy, because they weren’t making any moves to put him in the car. They were just letting him chill on the pavement while people gawked.

The situation was made worse by the fact that the young man had been detained in front of an 8 story apartment complex. People hoarded onto the balconies like football fans at the Super bowl. As I was walking away, someone from the third story barked “At least give him a blanket!” This was hilarious because I think everyone was thinking the same thing- he was face (and penis) down on cold abrasive asphalt in late October- you had to feel for him, regardless of what he had done. I’ve never seen someone look so alone with so many people around.

They thinkin’ that I’m the tyranny of evil men;
…My life story’s quite gory :
But I just tell it like it is dude-
spittin’ even if it is rude.
So ain’t no brimstone, I ain’t Jim Jones
So put your grins on, & listen to them songs

Isla Vista is an unincorporated community in Santa Barbara County, California, United States. As of the 2000 census, it had a population of 18,344. The majority of residents are college students at nearby UC Santa Barbara or at Santa Barbara City College. Many paths connect the town to the beach. Isla Vista enjoys a Mediterranean climate and often has slightly less precipitation than either Santa Barbara or the adjacent community of Goleta

(Wiki excert)

Isla Vista was born in the 1960’s as a result of aggressive developers responding to students disdain for dormitory curfews and regulations. These developers successfully lobbied County Supervisors to lower the requirements for parking places associated with housing units, as well as increasing the density allowance for urban units. There are a number of myths circulating about who actually profited from the development of IV. Some speculate that it was the mafia, while others contend it was the UCSB administrators. Others accuse the Chancellor at the time, Vernon Cheadle, because he was a member on a loan board granting funds for development.

It was out of this cauldron of seedy ingredients and questionable origins that Isla Vista was fashioned. After spending 3 and ½ years here, I can honestly say there is no other place like IV. It is both disgusting and awesome: It has its own unique culture- from the dread locked, mangy hippies of Chilla Vista to the comical whether beaten “pirate” bums; from the poster-boy frat children to the carefree feathered blond surfers; from the pretty plastic girls in beamers to the hoards of late teens orgasmically gasping in complete anonymity and freedom for the first time ever. I’ve learned to both appreciate and disdain all of them in time.

The following are short tales from some of my more memorable IV nights. This is the stuff that never made it to the police blotter. Names and characters have may be changed to protect the guilty. These seedy little shorts are for entertainment purpose only. Dessert is served.

Old folks talking ’bout “back in my day”-
But homey this is my day.
Class started 2 hours ago, oh am I late?
no, I already graduated…
And you can live through anything if Magic made it.

Today I finished my last final exam, for my last class, while attending what will likely be my last school. School is out and for good. I put down my plastic sky-blue BIC and massaged my hand for a few moments, staring vacantly at the front of the lecture hall- just trying to digest the significance of what had happened. For the past seventeen years, approximately 78% of my life, I have been a student. When people ask me what I do, I have always told them I am a student. It’s been a huge part of my identity and it will be a huge shift for me.

I stayed up all night studying for this exam, and had the privilege of watching the sun rise from atop our rust colored roof. It felt appropriate -the crisp refreshing air in my lungs, the sun blasting it’s rays of light through the anemic branches in the clear winter air- almost symbolic.

I have absolutely loved college. I wish I could live the rest of my life out as I have the past few years- I wouldn’t trade any of the crazy parties, all nighters, and beach front living for the world. But at the same time I feel as though this part of my life is coming to a close- I feel ready to step into the world of adulthood, whatever that may be. I feel restless with college, too. I want to start my life. I want to start making money, own a house, and yes- have a family soon.

I signed an employment agreement with Wells Fargo last week. Work starts Monday. I will wear a shirt and tie. I work 9-6. I have a 401k. I will get coffee in the mornings. Maybe I’ll even try bagels. As far as I am aware, this is pretty much what adulthood entails, bagels and 401k’s. I’m giving adulthood a test run, I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’ve always felt like the censorship in American media has been overbearing. This is especially true on T.V.- it seems a few angry soccer moms have the power to keep the T.V. clean and boring. Before I get into a resentful tangent about how parents should start instilling moral values and sound decision making abilities in their children vs. leaving their kids in front of the T.V., let me just show you some foreign campaign adds that I think are funny, clever, memorable, and also would never be allowed in the U.S.

Both these ads come from France, which has a lower crime rate than the U.S. Americans (en masse) are so easily offended and narrow minded.

“Confidence… thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live.”

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

The last decade of leadership in the U.S. has left a bad taste in my mouth. I can’t tell you why because I think it was very well concealed through a haze of bureaucracy and faulty information, but there were hidden agendas and probably a few scandals we never found out about as well. I know Bush had something to hide. Why else would you bury information from your people and give bizarre reasons for your actions? Have you ever just had that gut feeling that you were being screwed? I don’t need to show you a rat to prove that there is an infestation problem.

What really bugged me about the Bush administration wasn’t that they were probably corrupt. It’s that they treated the public like babies. They acted like they were the adults, and we were the children. Anything they decided to tell us was on their terms, and they made all the calls. Just sit in the back seat, and shut up. I’m tired of being treated like a child: let us know what the hell is going on, please.

Obama started doing these weekly video updates, reminiscent of Roosevelt and the fireside chats that went on during the Great Depression. I think this is exactly what we need. At first I thought this was so novel and great of Obama, but let’s face it: a leader who tells us what is actually going on should be the norm, and a weekly update the bare minimum. Kudos to Obama for meeting this standard.

The funny thing is I consider myself a conservative. Not what the media would call a conservative; not a pro-life, pseudo racist, anti-gay, gun toting southerner who interprets the Bible literally and will vote blindly based on religious affiliation. Not that kind of conservative. The kind of conservative that wants limited government interference and taxation. Isn’t that what conservative is suppose to mean? I digress, but my point was I am a conservative, and even I hate Bush. Yes, hate. I don’t disagree with his policies, I don’t differ in my views, I actually hate him as a person. I have been genuinely embarrassed to be an American for the past 8 years. I’m so glad it is in the past, and I’m ready to move forward.

Whatever happened to having leaders of character, resolve, and integrity; people like Washington, Roosevelt, and Lincoln? People who did the right thing, not what was politically convenient? People who were honest, open, and noble? Leaders you could be proud of, even look up to? I think Obama might be the answer to that.

I think its time we started expecting more from our leaders.

#10 Joe Pesci:

a la Goodfellas and Casino. He’s not big, he’s not strong; in fact he’s downright puny. But what he lacks in stature he makes up in crazys. Pesci definitely takes the cake in terms of complete disregard for human life. Don’t insult this guy in a bar, unless you want a pen jammed in your jugular. Savage as fuck.

#9 Tupac Shakur:

Grab your Glocks when you see 2pac,
Call the cops when you see 2pac,
You shot me,
But you punks didn’t finish
Now you’re ’bout to feel the wrath of a menace

With his AK he’s the thug you just love to hate. A lot of rappers talk a big game about being really “hood”, but until you’ve been in a couple shoot outs you can’t really even put yourself in the same category. Go back to rapping about your 22’s, you commercial, sellout, consumer whores.

#8 Chuck Liddell:

Look, I know he’s not winning right now. In fact, he’s been getting the crap kicked out of him lately. Still, Chuck has that inextinguishable distinct badass aura about him. I don’t know if it’s his buzz-hawk, his American History X looking goatee, or the fact that he could beat the crap out of 99.99% of guys out there, but this is one Coor’s Light drinkin’ hick I wouldn’t want to meet in a dark ally.

#7 Wolverine:

He is the real reason I started growing out my chest hair a couple weeks ago. Wolverine is by far the hardest of the X-men. Wolverine heals very quickly, but his only real “power” is some metal claws that extend out of his knuckles on command. He uses these for everything. Someone taking over the world? Shingggg. Someone need rescuing? Shinggg. Time to walk the dog? Shinggg.

#6 Leonidas of Sparta

Everyone who saw 300 knows what I am talking about. Anyone who walks around with a spear, one of those badass helmets, and pimp cape gets a badass stamp from me. I’ve officially decided that kicking someone in the chest is the most badass way you could turn down an offer. “Go to McDonalds? THIS IS BURGER KING!!!” Bam. Right in the xiphoid process.

What makes Leonidas a badass is his good old attitude of ‘fuck ya’. You want me to join the Persians? Fuck you. Your arrows will blot out the sun? Fuck you, we’ll fight in the shade. You want me to kiss your your feet? Fuck you, eat spear.

P.S. his wife was a total cougar in that movie. Sexy.

#5 Ronnie Coleman:

There’s a reason they call this guy “The Big Nasty”. No, he’s not in porn. He’s an 8 time Mr. Olympia, and unlike most bodybuilders, he actually is strong as shit. Like, freakishly strong. Like I just dead-lifted 800lbs twice strong. He’s like the incredible Hulk, but black instead of green. There might be guys out there stronger than Ronnie (although I doubt it) but no one has his classic meathead mannerisms.

“YEAAAAAAH Buddddy: LIGHT WEIGHT!! Ain’t nothing but a P-Nut!”

#4 Bruce Lee:

I think you all saw this one coming. He is the poster-boy for 20^th century martial arts; a real life ninja. He’s ripped to shreds, wiry as fuck, and incredibly powerful. I’ve never seen a more complete and clean transfer of force when this guy throws a punch or kick.

#3 “Marv”:

Sin City would have been just O.K. without Marv. When he wasn’t maiming people or smoking cigarettes, he was giving shadowy narrations in his gravelly man-voice. My favorite scene in this whole movie comes when Marv is going through his checklist of items necessary to kill someone: “Mitts? Check.” Marv is the Baddest pseudo good guy out there.

“This is blood for blood and by the gallon. These are the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. They’re back! There’s no choice left. And I’m ready for war.”

#2 Ray Lewis:

Ray Lewis: Nine time pro-bowler ,named All-Pro 7 times, not to mention Super-bowl m.v.p. (defensive players rarely get this award). Not much I need to say about this guy. He just hits people really hard. If you have any doubts, check out his highlights.

#1 Mike Tyson:

probably nuts, definitely the most explosive, hardest hitting, most controversial fighter ever. Just watching Tyson’s knockout reels gets me pumped. He’s compact, powerful, and he throws whiplash causing, sweat spraying, mouth-guard flinging knockout punches from every angle. Heavyweight Boxing just wasn’t what it was during the Tyson era. Don’t believe me? Check the box offices.

Outside the ring, Tyson was a troubled individual. He was new money; a storm of controversy, a ghetto child who still desperately needed the mentorship of Cus D’Amato. He was a more complex individual than most people gave him credit for. He was the first and youngest to unify the heavyweight belt at 20 years old. He was an X-convict. He was rags to riches and back to rags again. He was an ear biting, facial tattooing, real life Rambo in black trunks. You either love him or hate him, but you had to admit he was exciting to watch.

Classic Tyson TV moments

Training

Knockouts

“I try to catch them right on the tip of his nose, because I try to punch the bone into the brain.”

-Michael Gerard Tyson

#??? Chuck Norris:

#??? Chuck Norris: Ahh… Chuck. What do I do with you. While your name is synonymous with badassery, I personally think you are a tool belt and therefore underserving of a top ten ranking. Still, to not list you would be irresponsible.

I have to be honest, I never really got the whole Chuck Norris comeback. Was the joke that he was so fucking lame it was funny, and therefore hip? Can someone fill me in here? Chuck Norris was the lamest; most over-the-top action star of the 80’s… the lamest period in film history. He’s not really even that buff, and he has way too much body hair to be cool. Still, Chuck’s name evokes images of badass due to the whole mindset surrounding him. There is no real chuck, just an illusory vision: one of pure badassery. Here are some sayings people came up with about chuck that I think illustrates his aura well:

If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups, he bench presses the earth.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.