“Personally, I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I find that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I go fishing, I don’t think about what I want. I think about what they want. I don’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangle a worm, or a grasshopper, in front of the fish saying, ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that?’”

Thomas Freese, the author of Question Based Selling talks about the concept of motivating potential buyers either with “Gold Medals” – potential advantages of using a given product or service (You’ll look sexier, increase server speed, last longer!) vs. disadvantages of not using the product (Your skin will wrinkle, be susceptible to potential lawsuits, etc..).

Freese talks about how certain people are more motivated to take action when presented with Gold Medals, while others react more to German Shepherds. To be safe, Freese argues: present both.

One of the few studies that have stayed with me since my undergrad in psychology had to do with human motivation. It stuck with me because logistically it makes no sense.

The study goes something like this:

Take a sample size from any population and  make this proposition:  flip a coin. If heads, you win $200. If tails, you don’t get anything. Opt not to flip the coin, and you walk away with $100.

Almost every participant takes the $100 and walks. In other words, they are not motivated to take the risk.

Take another sampling, and offer them this proposition: Flip a coin, if heads you lose nothing. If tails, you lose $200. Opt not to flip the coin, and you lose $100.  Almost everyone chooses to flip the coin.

Even when presented with a seemingly cut and dry monetary transaction, people make inconsistent choices: in both scenarios the delta (in this example, $100) for potential gain if the risk is taken is equivalent. One would expect, logically, the same amount of risk acceptance in either scenario.

(Granted I think this study loses some validity as it is based on implied behavior not actual: I really doubt you’d find  sampling willing to participate in that 2nd group, it was probably just a survey– but I digress)

The same amount of money is on the line if the coin is flipped in either example. So why the huge behavioral disparity?

Based on my limited experience and underscored so elegantly in this study,  human nature seems to be more motivated by German Shepherds than Gold Medals.

As morbid as it sounds, people are conditioned  to react more emotionally to negatives than positives (why do you think the news is so popular?). And people act based on emotion, using logic as a follow up justification.

The one caveat I’ve found to this is that more sophisticated and otherwise evolved humans I’ve had the benefit of interacting with are able to have some neutral 3rd party perspective– they are able to remove their ego from the situation, step back, and take make a calculated, cerebral decision based on the facts. They can do this even if emotional elements are involved.

Some spiritual folks call this “being the eye” or “observing ego”. It’s really difficult to do because our emotions are so insidious: we always think we are making decisions based on logic, no one likes to admit they are controlled by their emotions. Paradoxically, being able to see this is the first step overcoming it.

Ok, but aren’t emotions what make us human– isn’t that what gives life it’s zest?

I think emotions are great to have and experience, but not to make decisions on. I’d argue that emotions are what make us animals- not human. They are hardwired,  evolutionary designed, responses– hardly more evolved than an irrational fear of the dark that comes a more primal brain.

”Next time you say ‘I have nothing in  common with this person,’ remember that you have a great deal in common: A few years from now — two years or seventy years, it doesn’t make much difference– both of you will have become rotting corpses, then piles of dust, then nothing at all.  This is a sobering and humbling realization that leaves little room for pride.  Is this a negative thought? No, it is a fact.  Why close your eyes to it? In that sense, there is total equality between you and every other creature.”

I enjoy flying; it’s usually relaxing.  As soon as the plane takes off, all my stressful life problems are reduced into inconsequential ants, preoccupied with the day’s routine commute. From 30,000 feet, it all seems so trivial.

A few weeks ago I was flying back from D.C., and the guy I was sitting next to was talking loudly on his BlackBerry phone: “What? No, I didn’t, I told him to sell those shares!”- I don’t remember exactly what he was saying, but he was making a lot of loud calls, like he wanted everyone to hear, like, we get it, dude: first class, scotch on the rocks, custom cufflinks, you’re a tycoon: we’re all impressed.

About half way through the flight we catch some turbulence, and the seatbelt sign goes on. The Captain gets on the PA system: “sorry about this folks, we’re flying through a storm…” About 5 minutes later it gets really bad. My drink skates off the folding table and hits the floor. Everyone watches it nervously in silence as the empty cup bounces around the aisle, like a piece of trash on a busy highway.

At this point the captain isn’t saying anything, and the turbulence is so bad that it is necessary to have a seatbelt; not in case of a crash, but to keep from hitting your head on the plastic ceiling. I look over at the guy who had been talking loudly on his phone 20 minutes ago, he’s quiet now- with a grimacing look on his face. His eyes are closed and he has both hands on both armrests. White knuckles. He isn’t making any noise but his lips are moving. Everyone’s probably thinking the same thing- we’re gonna die.

At 30,000 feet, when death seems not so improbable, all the pretenses we put on and identities people wear go out the window. It makes it obvious that none of this really matters a whole lot. Blatantly confronted with our own mortality, it becomes very evident that life is fragile, and that in the long run we really have no control.

I am constantly worrying about things, and labeling people: attractive or not, makes a lot of money or doesn’t, intelligent or not. All things that have to do with how your brain works, how you think, who’s child you are, what you look like, who you’ve come to know- all things that are basically innate.

On Monday I had a major client threaten to back out of a deal if we couldn’t move quicker. Normally I’d cause a lot of stress for myself- but I just told him ‘O.K.- I’m doing everything I can. I understand if you want to leave’ and that was it. At 30,000 feet, it’s easy to remember what really matters. On a day to day basis, we tend to forget. The ironic part is, death isn’t uncommon or some distant event- it happens to everybody, probably in the next 50 or so years.

Next time ‘something really bad’ happens, I’ll try and remember- if you knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you were going to die, would it really matter? Not to be morbid, or as an excuse to be complacent, it’s just that stress isn’t necessary.

You’ll always do the best with the cards you’ve been dealt- that too, is innate. Even the most deranged person, in their own reality, is doing the best they know how. You can have your opinions, thoughts about yourself and who you are, problems and ambitions,  and enjoy the experience. Just remember that ultimately, they are all transient.

What do I have to say to the kids?
Let go, life does get tough…
No need to stress,
Hold you back too much…

-RevoFev – Cudi

I’ve been feeling pretty unsure about myself and the direction my life has been going lately. To be honest, I’ve been really stressed and anxious about it (does it even have direction?) so the other night I actually took some time to sit down, and write out my goals. This was the first time I think I’ve ever actually sat down and detailed a goal before; and let me just say I feel so much better now that I have a plan and some direction.

I’ve always been told that setting goals is important, but it never really clicked as to why. I just saw sitting down and writing out my goals as a pain in the ass, so I never really did it. I also think it’s kind of scary to actually materialize your goals like that (what if you never accomplish them!).

Before I get into my 12 steps on effective goal setting (which I condensed from Brian Tracy’s Psychology of Success–yes, I’m a huge nerd) let me just talk briefly about why so few people set specific goals for themselves. I know more than one of these reasons applied to me, and when I saw it on paper I realized what a coward I was being.

1)      People don’t understand the importance of having goals, so they don’t bother to set any. I remember reading a study done on Harvard students. After graduation, the graduates were interviewed and asked if they had set specific goals for their life after college, and if they had mapped out a plan to achieve these goals. Only 3% had. What was really interesting to me is that in a 20-year-after follow up study, it was found that the 3% who had mapped out goals and a means of achieving them had a higher net worth than the other 97% of the graduating class. Combined!

Another reason to set and write out goals is it ingrains them into your subconscious. Our subconscious controls a lot of our automated actions and thoughts. It makes sense to have these thoughts and actions align with what we want in life.

Also consider that all really successful people have or have had definite goals. Seriously: go talk to anyone you believe to be very successful and ask them. I try to avoid absolutes but I feel like this one is pretty true, and profound.

2)      Fear of rejection. We are afraid to have goals because we fear others might belittle us or tell us we can’t accomplish it, we’re too slow, too uneducated, etc. This is why it is best to only share your goals with other people who set goals and would be excited to encourage you. Otherwise, keep them to yourself.

3)      Fear of failure. This fear comes from the lack of realization that failure is a necessary part of achieving any worthwhile success. You will never realize your goal until you have taken the knocks, done the grunt work, and learned the lessons necessary to achieve greatness. What did Edison say? ‘I haven’t failed in making the light bulb, I’ve successfully identified 5,000 ways that it can’t be made’- something like that. You get the message.

4)      People don’t know how to set goals. I didn’t. I had to go out and learn. Here is the best process I’ve found so far. Here are the steps:

1)      The first thing is identify something that you want badly. It has to be a burning desire. And make it something completely selfish, for example avoid goals like “I want to lose weight for my boyfriend”. A goal has to be completely personal and selfish.

2)      2^nd Step: Belief. You have to believe you can do it, so set realistic goals. If you’re conscious mind can’t accept the goal, your subconscious won’t either. If you want to increase your income, increase it in %50 increments (annual salary). This is believable. Make realistic steps that you can visualize and affirm. Your goals should make you stretch, and have a 50/50 chance of working. 50/50 means it’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna take you out of your comfort zone; but it also means its very likely to happen.

3)      3^rd Step: Write it down– this is how you program it into the subconscious. Write it in vivid detail. Use sensory descriptions.

4) Determine all the ways you will benefit from achieving your goal. Usually there is more than one perk that comes with reaching a goal. Maybe its more money, more respect, or simply increased self confidence for attaining your goal. The more reasons you can give your mind to do it, the more motivation you will have.

5)      Determine exactly where you are today in regards to your goal. How can you measure progress and know where you are going if you don’t know where you start?

6)      Set a deadline. Make it quantifiable. Measurable. The only time we feel happy, like a winner, is when we are moving towards a goal. Unless we can clearly measure the start, the end, and our steps along the way, we won’t have that winning feeling which is a huge motivation/makes us positive.

7)       Determine the obstacles along the way. A goal must have obstacles by definition. If it didn’t, it’s just an activity. Identify the hurdles, and resolve to pay the price to get through them. (They usually look a lot more manageable on paper, btw).

8)       Identify the knowledge you will need to get in order to attain your goal. All worthwhile goals will require that you learn and gain new knowledge. So find out what you need to know, and then learn it.

9)      Identify groups/mentors/people you will need to cooperate with you on your way to your goal. Figure out what you are going to do for them in order to get their cooperation.

10)    Make a plan- and make it detailed. Make a list of activities you will need to do, then list them in order of time and priority. This plan is dynamic, go back and change it constantly. It will need adjustments along the way.

11)    Make a clear visualization of your goal as already accomplished. Play that picture of your goal in your mind frequently. The more the better.

12)   Back your plan with determination and resolve. Make the absolute, unequivocal commitment to get it done, to pay the price. JUST WIN BABY.  Self discipline is persistence in action, and persistence is a measure of your belief in yourself. If you are very willing to pick  yourself up every time, it becomes very obvious to your subconscious that you believe strongly in your ability.

If you don’t have any goals, it’s probably the best thing you can do for yourself. Now. And just have one at a time, so you can  focus on it fully.